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Oh boy, I have not used this place in a MINUTE. I think I started this journal in June of last year? How neglectful to this journal I was, holy stars.

Anyway, I come back here because I really need to vent and I find myself having this need more often. Life's been everywhere and my brain is just... dandelion fuzz. Slipping back into my body dysmorphia and dissociation as of late. Extreme drama and paranoia have also been taking a toll on my mind, so I haven't felt relaxed, happy, or calm in quite a bit.

The world is so crazy. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm even real, you know? I don't feel real most days, and I have no clue why. It's been harder and harder for me to grasp on to my identity (?) and I feel as if my existence is wrong in a way. Then all that's happened in a year... the world feels like it's heading in an off direction. So it's very, very complicated for me to feel like my life matters ---though not in a depressive way. I'm so sure that my impact isn't strong at all that I have quite a neutral, narrow view of what happens in my life. People could hate me or love me, but I'll always feel like that doesn't matter in the first place. My life and the world could be crumbling with terrible event after terrible event, but I think so lowly of myself already and have accepted whatever fate I have. And I'm going to have a fun time before I head up to see the Cloud Man. Just because I think life is stagnant for me, doesn't mean I won't have all the fun I can. Life sucks, let's party!

As for what I've been doing lately, I've skated around town a lot, take 2 hour walks everyday to clear my head, and have generally been going outside way more. In all honesty, it just fuels my overthinking, but at least I have some sick tunes playing as I walk X). I'm still in the process of getting a job and actually having my own car for some sense of freedom. I really need to be an adult and get my life in c h e c k. I feel so behind from my peers in my age range. It sucks, but I can attempt to use that as some form of motivation. Fear always prevails for me though. Fear and perfectionism, nice.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, that's all I wanted to cover. It's a lot, but I think this entry deserves it for how long I took a break from it. It also keeps things vague enough to tingle my brain --not literally EVERY detail is written down. I might expand on these things in later entries for sure.

Thanks for writing, Cloudy
Thanks for reading, You
Thanks for being, Me

Wow, first post in like, months after starting this account. I would reintroduce myself to myself, but I kinda don't want to.

I feel very wrong today. I feel incorrect. This may come off as dysphoric, but I do not think that I am me some days. I see other people and I somehow think they got the traits that I was supposed to have --a smile, a voice, a walk, a face, a body, an illness, proportions, a brain, emotions, blood. They come off as so familiar and so right that my own given features and attributes seem extremely upsetting to the highest degree. But also, how do I know that other people are supposed to be me?

Do they really have parts of me, anyway? People are people. Grass is grass. Stars are stars. You are you. But somehow, I think you are me (or, at least, a part of me). No one can really have a "wrong" feature, just an assigned one. What gives me the right to be upset at my very being? What gives the right to be upset at other people for their given features? What gives me the right to class other people as me due to my own possible jealousy and confusion regarding who or what I am? Nothing does. No one does. I was made like the way I need to be. I have missed my own birth to avoid thinking about them.

I would demand people to give me back parts. I would demand people to give me back what I think is mine and tell them that somehow, someway, something on them belongs to me. But you are not me. They are not me. No one is me. It would be selfish to demand you for something that was given to you and uniquely you. You are you. You are you. You are not me. I will never be you, but I want to. You will never be me, but I want you to be.

I must go now. It is tea time.

It's Been A While~

Me? I Guess, Lol